A Letter to Family & Friends from Parents of a Transgender Child

My name is Steve.  I am a 60 year old, long hair, tattooed outlaw biker (and successful business owner).  Besides being a recovering bigot, I’m also an unequivocal believer in the power of unconditional love.  My transgender child has gifted me the opportunity to transition to a better place.  The least I can do is help others find their way there, too.  This is the letter my wife and I sent to our family and friends to help them start that process….

When a child is born the universe is affected. We may not notice the change as its order of magnitude is comparatively small. However, it is there, nevertheless.

As parents, the effect is profound. Elation, joy, concern, and exhaustion often describe a new parent’s immediate outlook on their life. Most often, the inescapable responsibility to nurture and protect although overwhelming is offset by a commitment to unconditional love. We move forward devoted to an ideal that includes our vision of happiness for our child. We remain convinced that through our love and commitment this child will actualize their potential and will do so according to the ideal we formed for them at their birth. The years go by and are filled with memories that perhaps, modify our ideal but leave it mainly whole in our minds. Then, one day this child rejects our ideal for their own.

In some cases we may fight for our ideal particularly if we are convinced that our child’s change of direction is unhealthy or self-destructive. On the other hand, if our adult child has made a thoughtful decision that must replace our ideal with their own and their happiness is genuinely dependant upon the change we will now have to accept, then what choice is left to us? We are bound by our commitment to unconditional love. To be clear, some choices are not really choices at all. It is the way we handle the inevitability of the directions we are blessed with even before we are born or those that are subsequently presented to us that best defines us.

Lately, we have faced a confusion of emotions including sadness and anger. We have resented the upset of the position we assumed our lives to be. We have had to deal with an extraordinary change to the ideal life outcome we set our hearts on for our son and eldest child.

More importantly than anything else we have recently experienced, we have validated the unconditional love we committed ourselves to before he was born. That has sustained us as we recover from the shock of something we never saw coming.

During his internship in Germany over the summer, he had time to contemplate who he really is. He told us that he has struggled with that question for most of his life but never had the vocabulary to address it. With time on his hands, he researched for answers in the solitude of his apartment overseas. In September, as the first semester of his graduating year at University of Michigan began, he told us he is transgender. Our son believes in his heart that he is actually female in spirit. For those that are unfamiliar with the term transgender please understand…there is a lot to learn. We will address some of that later and will refer you to some materials that proved helpful to us.

As parents, and particularly as the loving parents of a close knit family, we immediately expressed our unequivocal support. There were lots of tears that were initially impossible to define. We felt profound sadness but struggled to understand exactly what it meant or where it came from. We were startled, shocked and deeply confused. We struck out to find help right away so we could be certain that the outcome of this would be as positive as possible.

After our initial shock came a combination of anger, sadness and guilt. We began a retrospective analysis of our parenting to see if there was some clue we had missed or something we could have done differently that would have effected another outcome. It is impossible to imagine the guilt we felt when our boy told us he had struggled with this for so many years…alone and concerned that he was some sort of monster. He told us he worked hard each and every day to be a perfect son so God would forgive him and lift away this burden. He kept this secret to himself for most of the time we have known him. He has endured so much emotional pain alone and without ever acting out or tipping his hand to anyone. We were absolutely stunned when we realized the gravity of his isolation. Statistically, more than 30 percent of transgender children successfully commit suicide.

God blessed our child with an extraordinary intellect and emotional stability that allowed him to prevail against the pressure of unknown and indefinable forces that haunted him for so long. For those of you who know him well, you will recall that he was a 4.0+ GPA student who graduated high school at the top of his class. He was president of the National Honors Society and competed for the varsity ski team in addition to playing violin for the orchestra. He recently graduated magna cum laude at University of Michigan’s Aerospace Engineering program and has been accepted into their accelerated Master’s Aerospace Engineering program. He has never been in trouble for any reason. We have never received a phone call from an authority of any kind. He has never tried drugs, alcohol or smoked cigarettes. He has always been the “perfect son”. He later admitted avoiding situations that would have possibly or inadvertently exposed his secret. That would have included drinking. It explains why he would be so quiet…withdrawn…so often. While we noticed that behavior, it had become so normal that we learned to accept it.

Webster defines “transgender” thusly, : of, relating to, or being a person (as a transsexual or transvestite) who identifies with or expresses a gender identity that differs from the one which corresponds to the person’s sex at birth

Our son was born with male genitalia but his “spirit” is female. His condition is one of gender identity. Fundamentally, he does not identify with the sex he was born with. People who have this condition often start out cross-dressing and assuming the identity of the sex they more comfortably relate to. Sometimes, depending on the individual and their commitment to their gender identity, they will ultimately transition to their preferred gender with gender reassignment surgery. In any case, it is important to note that the individual is compelled to have these feelings and to act upon them, accordingly. In other words, they cannot help it. There is no “cure” or therapy or prayer or medical treatment. There is only the person that has always been and now needs the understanding and support of their friends and loved ones. In this case, he is still who he has always been…a loving, intelligent and compassionate person who would generously give you the shirt off his back. He deserves our love and support.

Going forward, we will be changing pronouns here at home. That will likely be a challenge at first. We have been requested to refer to “her” as Kaitlyn. That was the name we picked out before he was born just in case our first born was a girl. We loved the name we gave our son but we love our Kaitlyn just as much. Please help with this. We understand that this may be difficult for you, too. We’re here to help you in any way we can. We would be happy to recommend some books that we read that have been very helpful to us and substantially improved our understanding of this subject. Specifically, “She’s Not There” by Jennifer Finney Boylan was very insightful and was also entertaining. We experienced chuckles and tears as we read it.

As our friends and family we must expect your help and support. If you feel that isn’t possible, we understand. Please just let us know and we will adjust our understanding of our relationship with you. Otherwise, we welcome the opportunity to hear about your feelings and we look forward to sharing our new daughter and her hopes, dreams, and accomplishments.

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